Twice a month Joe Lipsett will dissect a new Amityville Horror film to explore how the “franchise” has evolved in increasingly ludicrous directions. This is “The Amityville IP.”
It’s time to revisit the Amityville “franchise’s” most prolific director, Mark Polonia. Thus far we’ve experienced his work on Amityville Death House (famed for its bizarre Spider woman climax) and, more recently, Amityville Exorcism (famed for replicating The Exorcist, only bad).
Which brings us to Polonia’s third title in the “series”: Amityville Island. Oddly enough this film is something of a spiritual sequel to Exorcism, in that it features brief flashbacks of that film’s lead, Melanie (Marie DeLorenzo). The reveal of that character’s fate is quite grim: in between films Melanie shot up a diner as part of a slate of unexplained murders in Amityville.
Unsurprisingly for these films, Melanie’s actions have very little bearing on Island. There’s a reporter, Eric Cates (Titus Himmelberger) who is looking into the Amityville murders because of her, but that’s mostly an excuse for him to seek out death row murderess, Kelly Jo Knight (Jamie Morgan). The film begins by establishing her as a single mother who is possessed by Melanie’s antique doll and subsequently murders her four children (offscreen). Eric then spends a few scenes calling Warden Valentine (voiced by Polonia), demanding to speak to Kelly Jo before he is unceremoniously killed in a car accident (ala Amityville 3D).
What’s most unusual about Amityville Island is that 1) it actually has very little interest in mostly mute/non-responsive Kelly Jo as a character, unless it is to use her possession as an excuse for carnage candy, and 2) the film is something of a comedic women-in-prison meets Island of Doctor Moreau grindhouse picture.
Polonia doesn’t attempt to replicate the visual style of a 70s flick, but the focus on the genetic breeding experiments of shady scientists Dr Tyler (James Carolus) and Dr. Ormond (Jeff Kirkendall) makes for a bizarre genre cross-over. Narratively most of the film consists of misogynistic, rapey men making sexual overtures about Kelly Jo and her much more verbal inmate Renata (Danielle Donahue), who is the film’s true star.
Donahue briefly appeared in Polonia’s first Amityville outing, but she’s easily the main draw for Island. While her motivation and her reactions to Kelly Jo change based on the needs of the scene, Renata is pretty easy to cheer for: she doesn’t take shit from the male guards like Ellison (Steve Diasparra) and Hayden (Tim Hatch) and she’s quick to throw fists. And although Renata can be extremely cruel about Kelly Jo’s infanticide, more often than not, she advocates for her fellow female inmate and ensures she is never left behind.
Aside from Renata, the reason that Amityville Island works is because it is endearingly silly. The genetic breeding plan is so flimsy and undercooked that it hardly matters, but the “lab” where the doctors work is so hilariously cheap it literally features a single computer and a chalkboard covered in tinfoil as set dressing.
Then there’s the introduction of Renata and Kelly Jo in a kind of prison pay-per-view Fight Club that is being filmed by handheld camcorder for “pervs paying good money” for the fight. It’s ridiculous, which is exactly what Amityville films should be.
And despite the film’s discomforting focus on men literally profiting from exploiting women’s bodies in multiple ways, all these characters are either idiots, incompetent, or both. They’re also prone to being murdered by possessed bears, mauled by possessed dogs, or chomped by terrible looking possessed CGI sharks (all courtesy of Kelly Jo and her glowing red eyes).
Amityville Island‘s overall tone is therefore very dumb, and gleefully proud of it. Starting with the continuation of Amityville Exorcism’s possession storyline (minus the terrible make-up…well, except for Cassandra Hayes’ mutated inmate, Tammy), then add the genre meshing of a science-gone-amok movie with a women-in-prison film, and finish up with the overall silliness of the characters and dialogue, and Amityville Island is surprisingly entertaining.
At this point in this column, we’re 20+ Amityville films in, so anything that isn’t a slog is a win. In that regard, Amityville Island wins by being a reasonably enjoyable watch. It’s not good, but it’s not dreck.
The Amityville IP Awards go to…
- Best Dialogue: When mostly mute Kelly Jo says one thing, guard Ellison quickly replies “I wasn’t sure you could even talk. But now that you are: shut up!”
- Groaner Jokes: Ellison is reprehensible, but he also has all of the dad jokes. Upon seeing the possessed shark he first quips: “We don’t need a better boat. We need a bigger gun.” When he tries to shoot it, he follows it up with this zinger: “Don’t bring pointy teeth to a gunfight.” Awful groaner jokes, but also kinda great.
- Questionable FX: The glowing red eyes that indicate possession aren’t great, but like a lot of the campiness in the film, that’s kind of the point. When you see animals with super fake looking glowing red eyes, you can’t help but laugh.
- Computer Text: At one point Dr. Tyler reviews patient files on the computer and the text that appears onscreen (almost in 3D) is displayed diagonally. But why?!
- Camp Homage: When prison videographer Gunning (Wyatt Wood) is killed by electricity from his computer after making snide sexual comments, it’s hard not to think of Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou. The deaths are nearly identical!
- That Stings: Reporter Eric is dismissed outright by Warden Valentine’s assistant over the phone in part because he’s writing freelance, which…checks out.
- Exorcism Ties: One additional tie to Polonia’s Amityville Exorcism is the inclusion of the Red Druid that causes Melanie and Kelly Jo’s possession. Knowing that Polonia has one final entry in the “franchise” (Amityville in Space), I’m really hoping this Dollar Tree villain becomes the equivalent to Pinhead in Hellraiser: Bloodline. Alas we’ll have to wait <gulp> eleven films to find out.
Next Time: We’re getting XXX-rated with a look at writer/director Nathan Rumler’s 2020 entry, Amityville Vibrator.
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