I love Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’ve seen every movie he’s done. Read his book. Follow his newsletter (which I totally recommend if you’re looking for a bit of healthy positivity in your day). Can spell his last name without Googling it. I grew up looking up to him as a father figure and still do to this day. He’s one of those special people you can look to for positivity and motivation when you’re feeling down. An actual positive male role model who just wants you to eat right, lift weights, and be kind. Oh, and he hosted and directed an episode of Tales from the Crypt once and owns a miniature horse named Whiskey that he lets live in the house with him.
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?!
As you can tell, I am very excited to go through Arnold’s brief but legendary career in horror movies with you below. So put that cookie down and I’ll see you at the party, Richter! It’s Turbo Time! (There’s going to be more Arnold quotes in this article than there is protein in his breakfast). Now, let’s let off some steam, Bennett, and get to it! To the chopper, that is! Rubber baby buggy bumpers. Ha! You didn’t know I was going to say that! But seriously, let’s kick some ice.
Come with me if you want to….OKAY, I’m done…
PREDATOR (1987)
Dillon, you son of a bitch! If you gave an eight year old a bunch of badass action figures including a handful of WCW sized army men and a scary ass alien, Predator is the coolest version of exactly what they’d have dreamed up. If the year is 1987 and the aliens came down to attack us and said “Okay, here’s the deal (beep bop boop), we want your best human to fight our best alien and if you lose we’re going to eradicate you”… I’m sending in Dutch. Which, I think, is the story at the core of Predator. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the perfect human specimen and these ugly motherfuckers wanted a challenge. Well, they got one. They got Arnold angry and covered in mud in the forest in the middle of the night ready to face his fears.
Predator works so well on an Arnold level because we’re watching him at peak physical conditioning and yet, he’s the underdog. Which is wild to think about. The horror is so palpable because of the location, the fear of being hunted, the unknown, and finally the awful things Predators do to your body when they kill you. Michael Myers has done some heinous things to folks but he typically doesn’t rip out their spinal columns or hang their skinned bodies to bake in the hot sun. I mean, maybe if Rob Zombie ever made that third film. But I digress.
Predator is the ultimate Arnold Horror Movie. Enough said.
TALES FROM THE CRYPT: “The Switch” – Season 2, Episode 2 (1990)
Is this not the kind of cool shit you would do if you were as rich, famous and beloved as Arnold Schwarzenegger? Not only direct an episode of Tales from the Crypt but star in the opening while hanging out with the Crypt Keeper? Arnold only has one other directing title to his resume which, weirdly enough, is a TV Movie called Christmas In Connecticut. The man does it all.
In this episode, Arnold only makes an appearance in the opening of the show but it’s one of the all time great Tales from the Crypt intros. The Crypt Keeper is lifting a dumbbell fashioned from human bones and Arnold tells him to stop complaining and keep pumping.
The show begins with William Hickey (Christmas Vacation) as an old man in love with a younger woman played by Kelly Preston (Twins). She tells him in the most mean but respectfully honest way that he’s nice but she could never be with someone with such an old face and old body and old legs. He then sets out to use his fortune to have a sketchy plastic surgeon give him the body of a younger man, played by Rick Rossovich (The Terminator). The episode is a cautionary tale about trying to acquire the perfect body no matter what and even features a cameo from the famous Venice Beach outdoor gym. Because why the hell not?!
The entire episode has Arnold’s DNA all over it, from the energy and excitement of the cast (mostly those who have worked with Arnold before) to the ending featuring a character laughing maniacally the way I imagine Arnold would if you tried to arm wrestle him.
TERMINATOR (1984) / TERMINATOR 2 (1991)
There’s a forever argument over whether or not these films are horror so if it upsets you that I added them to the list just scoot on to the next film. I’ll understand. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. Personally, I feel like an unstoppable, immovable force hunting you down with the intent of murder is slasher-esque enough to fulfill the requirements. To be honest, I’d rather have Michael or Jason or Ghostface after me than an evil Arnold frickin’ Schwarzenegger.
Arnold ran the entire gauntlet with these two films. He went from cold, calculated murder bot from the future that couldn’t be bargained with in The Terminator to the world’s most badass uncle in Terminator 2. We were able to see Arnold go from the unstoppable cyborg Goliath to the underdog and he handled both perfectly. The contrast in Arnold’s performance in these two films says everything about his growth as an actor between 1984 and 1991.
One of the things that gets overlooked in Arnold’s career is that James Cameron saw far more in him than just being a movie star with big muscles. He saw how many layers there were to Arnold as an actor and how many different emotions he could pull from you. This is why their collaborations reaped us the holy triumvirate of The Terminator, Terminator 2 and True Lies.
END OF DAYS (1999)
I will argue with you until the end of days that this movie is completely misunderstood and underrated. It was Arnold’s first performance in the two years since playing Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin (which no-one survived unscathed). Critics felt ready to pounce on him and End of Days was an absolute massacre. All I know is that everyone I know personally thinks this movie kicks ass and so do I. I can already feel the comments yelling at me in all caps. Think you know better? You’re a choir boy compared to me! A fucking choir boy! Just kidding. I respect your opinions. Just really wanted to get that all timer of a quote in here somewhere.
End of Days finds Arnold in yet another strange role for such a positive larger than life personality; a depressed, suicidal, alcoholic at the end of his rope after his wife and little girl are murdered. The only thing that keeps him going is his job working for a private security company. It’s very much Arnold’s version of Mel Gibson as Riggs in Lethal Weapon and I absolutely love it. He wakes up in the morning hungover and mixes coffee, Pepto Bismol, a piece of pizza he finds on the floor and some leftover Chinese in a blender and chugs it down. And he has an excellent sad beard.
In End of Days, Arnold’s character Jericho Cane tries to protect Christine (the amazing Robin Tunney) from the literal devil (Gabriel Byrne) who wants her to birth the antiChrist. It’s all happening during Y2K which is a wild blast from the past for my fellow old people. I call End of Days misunderstood because the entire mood of the movie is dark and twisted but also wrapped up in interesting religious mythology (loose, loose religious mythology). Gabriel Byrne as the devil himself is an excellent, sadistic performance and feels like the spirit of Al Pacino’s Milton just walked right off the set of The Devil’s Advocate and onto this one. The entire film, as a matter of fact, feels like a soul sequel to The Devil’s Advocate.
Pitting Arnold against the devil is maybe just the raddest idea anyone’s ever had.
Well, aside from Arnold versus zombies…
MAGGIE (2015)
Yes, Arnold VS Zombies! But not at all how you’d think (dammit). In Maggie, Wade’s (Schwarzenegger) daughter Barbara (just kidding, it’s Maggie), played by Abigail Breslin, has become infected by a zombie bite. In this world that is eerily similar to what we all just went through with Covid, they haven’t reached total post apocalyptic status yet. They’re just living with the virus and trying to survive. Those infected with the “Necroambulist” virus turn slowly over the course of a few weeks. Local Police are at odds with members of the community over going to a quarantine area before they turn so that they can be euthanized safely. Many don’t want to and their dead end up zombified and spreading the virus. Wade is faced with both trying to enjoy his last moments with his daughter and doing what is necessary when the time comes.
The movie takes an amazing idea with some great casting and turns it into an extremely slow, uneventful affair. It’s beautifully shot with great performances but feels as if it were filmed on Ambien. That being said, it’s one of the most interesting performances of Arnold’s career. He took a chance on a type of movie he never does and absolutely crushed it. Maggie called for him to be ridiculously reserved and show a lot of emotion in a script that had very little words. I remember reading reviews saying disparaging backhanded compliments like “I’m as surprised as you are.” But I was never surprised. Arnold has never been fully appreciated for how well rounded he is as an actor. The man made us cry for him while playing a cybernetic organism being dipped into lava after just watching that same character ruthlessly murder innocent people one movie ago. Just because he’s hilarious and can bench press your dad doesn’t mean he can’t do drama.
What’s so special about his performance here is that he’s a protective and soft spoken father who’s being forced to watch his daughter slowly turn, knowing he’s completely helpless to stop it. There are no long monologues or dramatic outbursts. His face heartbreakingly says it all the entire running time. Absolute anguish and helplessness on the face of a man whose only desire is to protect someone he can’t save. And it’s absolutely devastating to watch.
Well, consider that a divorce my friends! Speaking of which, though not listed as horror, I feel it necessary to mention that Total Recall and The Running Man both have some amazing horror-esque moments in them as well. Here’s hoping Arnold graces the genre with another performance soon. We’ll be waiting.
In the meantime, his new show FUBAR just hit Netflix today (May 25) and his daily newsletter is currently adding some positivity to a lot of people’s lives. Hasta la vista, baby!
The post Predators, Zombies, and the End of Days: The Horror History of Arnold Schwarzenegger appeared first on Bloody Disgusting!.